Monday, September 12, 2016

I deserve this hill - Monday

Today I took a little longer hike than usual.  Thinking I had a contract that would start today, I didn’t have anything on the calendar except hike.  My hiking buddy woke up sick so I was on my own.  It would have been easy to not go…I almost just sat at my desk instead.  Then something inside me said, “GO!” 

The hike I took was a little longer and had a few more hills than I am used too.  

Usually when I hike up hill I blame myself for my difficulty.  While going up the hill I tell myself that the reason I’m struggling is because of what I did to my body.  The reason I’m struggling is because I’ve eaten foods that weigh me down.  Basically negative talking, berating myself and making the struggle even worse.  To the point I just want to give up….and then I’m negative talking about how I’m a quitter. And so on for the entire hill.  It is torture.

Today I hit the hills and I found myself thinking different thoughts.  The hills were hard.  I had to stop a couple times.  But I found my self-talk congratulating myself. Instead of saying what I terrible person I was, I was saying get that hill.  You deserve this hill.  This hill is your reward.  It was really weird.

Crazy, I know.  But it is the truth.  Something is shifting within me.  It is another result of eating healthy I think.  A result of a more healthier diet is that I am kinder to myself.

You guys know me as an optimist.  What you don’t know is that I also suffer from depression just like everyone.  I just mask it (or if you look at me I don’t mask it at all).  Food in general has been for me a way to console myself.  I’m an alone eater.  A hoarder of food.  A eater of large quantities.  A person that dreams of being slimmer but doesn’t act on that dream.  A person that forgets that dream for a few minutes of comfort reading a book and putting food in my mouth.

Today, however, I’m changing the person I am.  Today I’m a person that puts my long term goals first.  Today I’m a person that sees a reality of a future that isn’t weighed down by my weight.  A future that I’m not afraid of trying new things and a future that my weight won't prevent me from doing things I’d like to try.

This doesn’t mean I won’t forget.  This doesn’t mean I won’t have a vacation and not indulge a little.  What this means is I don’t want to be the old Vici.  I want for myself a life free of the requirements of an addict.  And yes, I am an addict.  An addict to behaviors that are destructive to myself.  

If people can say no to heroin.  I can say no to eating McDonalds in my car for a few minutes of enjoyment.  Yesterday, I found myself on the coast and I hadn’t planned on being gone so long and didn’t bring any food.  I thought I could just stop and eat mexican.  How bad would it be?  Instead I stopped at a fruit stand.  I got strawberries, plums, english peas, and string beans.  I munched on that healthy food as I drove and felt full and happy to be doing something good for myself.  What a treat. When I got home, I didn’t feel deprived of not eating french fries.  I honestly felt good.

We’ve got 18 days left in this month.  Make each of these days count!!!

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